Last Week: 3-1 straight up, 1-3 against the spread
Fair warning – I’ve got a severe case of the ass this week, and it’s unfortunately directed at my fellow feathered fans. The Eagles have reportedly settled on Doug Pederson as Chip Kelly’s successor, and I’d say the reception thus far has been lukewarm. Just so we’re clear, the same Eagles fans that applauded Kelly’s firing are bemoaning Pederson’s entry. So I ask, who would have satisfied Eagle fan? They didn’t act fast enough on Adam Gase and he signed with the Dolphins. They tried to lure Ben McAdoo and his mustache out of New York, but he was elevated to replace Tom Coughlin. They interviewed Coughlin, but he withdrew from consideration (in my opinion, we dodged a bullet there given that he’s the same age and Ziggy Stardust and Hans Gruber…too soon?). Hue Jackson chose the Browns once they agreed to kick Johnny Football to the curb. Lovie Smith? Pat Shurmur? Duce "Rooney Rule" Staley? Please.
Surveying the landscape, I’m not sure Pederson is so terrible, especially since he’s been groomed by the best coach in the franchise’s history. He certainly deserves a fair shot. And yet, I saw countless tweets and message board postings of people claiming to be “done” with this team. These are the same nitwits that will come back out of the woodwork as soon as the team gets good. I hate having to call out my brothers like this. I told you this would get worse before it got better. I’m going to have to crack open a Not Your Father’s Root Beer or six to take the edge off.
Let’s talk about the teams that are still playing.
New England (-5.0) over Kansas City – Sure the Chiefs have won 11 in a row, but only one of those wins came against a team with a winning record. That came last week against the overmatched Texans. While Kansas City was busy whooping Houston, the Patriots should have been resting and getting healthy. Instead, Bill Belichick showed up to his press conference with a shiner, Chandler Jones got baked on synthetic weed and strode barefoot into a police station, and Rob Gronkowski has his knee drained. For what it’s worth, I had my knee drained once. Extremely painful, almost like listening to that talentless jerkoff Mike Milbury call a hockey game.
Quick aside: Prior to Wednesday night’s Flyers-Bruins game, Milbury professed his hatred for the Flyers, including the owner and fans. I’d like to see this tough guy walk down an alley in North Philly. My prediction is he’d get his ass kicked worse than he did as a coach and GM. Milbury joins my Mount Rushmore of douchebag sports studio commentators, along with Merrill Hoge and Mark May. Only one spot remains. I’m looking in your general direction, Steve Mariucci.
Anyway, back to the game. On paper, this is a mismatch. The Patriots should have Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola back, and Gronkowski should play despite the aforementioned fluid removal. Kansas City’s biggest weapon in the passing game, Jeremy Maclin, is dinged. Oh yeah, and that Brady guy is pretty good. This line should be higher than five points, in my opinion. This feels like stealing. Patriots 31, Chiefs 20.
Arizona (-7.0) over Green Bay – The Packers looked like, well, the Packers again last week and stifled Washington. It’s hard to tell if that was really Aaron Rodgers and company getting right, or the fact that the NFC East was a dumpster fire this season. Arizona is the most balanced team in the NFC, on both sides of the ball. If you’re a loyal “Cheesesteak and Chowder” listener, you already know I picked the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl. So it shouldn’t come as a shock that I’m riding Arizona at home. Cardinals 36, Packers 19.
Seattle (+2.5) over Carolina – Full disclosure – I’m not a professional gambler. But I’ve done this enough to have picked up a few things. The Seahawks were playing perhaps their best football of the season headed into the playoffs, but are only still alive because Blair Walsh went laces in like Ray Finkle and blew an absolute chip shot of a field goal. Now they’re coming across the country to play the 15-1 Panthers and the presumptive league MVP Cam Newton, who won in Seattle in Week 6. The Panthers are healthy and getting healthier by the week, expecting Jonathan Stewart to return from his three game absence. Sounds all good for Carolina, right? When lines are set, the home team typically gets an automatic three-point bump. So why are the Panthers only favored by 2.5? That’s a Seattle line. I hate to do this, but…Seahawks 23, Panthers 21.
Denver (-7.0) over Pittsburgh – Speaking of teams that were gift-wrapped victories, I give you the Pittsburgh Steelers. No definitive word on whether or not Vontaze Burfict and Adam “Pac Man” Jones had to wear matching I’m With Stupid t-shirts on their way out of the locker room last week. If I was running the Bengals, Jones would have been cut before he ever got out of the locker room. He’s a card-carrying moron. Burfict, on the other hand, has already been suspended for the first three games of the 2016 season. He popped Ben Roethlisberger (cleanly, I might add), injuring his shoulder and causing him to be carted off. I guess Paul Pierce’s wheelchair was already in use. Burfict also went shoulder-to-head of defenseless receiver Antonio Brown, though Pac Man said Brown was faking it and deserved a Grammy for his acting. Again, certifiable idiot. Ben returned, but looked like he was throwing a Frisbee instead of a football. Roethlisberger and Brown are both extremely questionable for this week, as is RB DeAngelo Williams. I can’t put my faith – or my money – on Landry Jones on the road against one of the top defenses in the league. Broncos 27, Steelers 18.
Fair warning – I’ve got a severe case of the ass this week, and it’s unfortunately directed at my fellow feathered fans. The Eagles have reportedly settled on Doug Pederson as Chip Kelly’s successor, and I’d say the reception thus far has been lukewarm. Just so we’re clear, the same Eagles fans that applauded Kelly’s firing are bemoaning Pederson’s entry. So I ask, who would have satisfied Eagle fan? They didn’t act fast enough on Adam Gase and he signed with the Dolphins. They tried to lure Ben McAdoo and his mustache out of New York, but he was elevated to replace Tom Coughlin. They interviewed Coughlin, but he withdrew from consideration (in my opinion, we dodged a bullet there given that he’s the same age and Ziggy Stardust and Hans Gruber…too soon?). Hue Jackson chose the Browns once they agreed to kick Johnny Football to the curb. Lovie Smith? Pat Shurmur? Duce "Rooney Rule" Staley? Please.
Surveying the landscape, I’m not sure Pederson is so terrible, especially since he’s been groomed by the best coach in the franchise’s history. He certainly deserves a fair shot. And yet, I saw countless tweets and message board postings of people claiming to be “done” with this team. These are the same nitwits that will come back out of the woodwork as soon as the team gets good. I hate having to call out my brothers like this. I told you this would get worse before it got better. I’m going to have to crack open a Not Your Father’s Root Beer or six to take the edge off.
Let’s talk about the teams that are still playing.
New England (-5.0) over Kansas City – Sure the Chiefs have won 11 in a row, but only one of those wins came against a team with a winning record. That came last week against the overmatched Texans. While Kansas City was busy whooping Houston, the Patriots should have been resting and getting healthy. Instead, Bill Belichick showed up to his press conference with a shiner, Chandler Jones got baked on synthetic weed and strode barefoot into a police station, and Rob Gronkowski has his knee drained. For what it’s worth, I had my knee drained once. Extremely painful, almost like listening to that talentless jerkoff Mike Milbury call a hockey game.
Quick aside: Prior to Wednesday night’s Flyers-Bruins game, Milbury professed his hatred for the Flyers, including the owner and fans. I’d like to see this tough guy walk down an alley in North Philly. My prediction is he’d get his ass kicked worse than he did as a coach and GM. Milbury joins my Mount Rushmore of douchebag sports studio commentators, along with Merrill Hoge and Mark May. Only one spot remains. I’m looking in your general direction, Steve Mariucci.
Anyway, back to the game. On paper, this is a mismatch. The Patriots should have Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola back, and Gronkowski should play despite the aforementioned fluid removal. Kansas City’s biggest weapon in the passing game, Jeremy Maclin, is dinged. Oh yeah, and that Brady guy is pretty good. This line should be higher than five points, in my opinion. This feels like stealing. Patriots 31, Chiefs 20.
Arizona (-7.0) over Green Bay – The Packers looked like, well, the Packers again last week and stifled Washington. It’s hard to tell if that was really Aaron Rodgers and company getting right, or the fact that the NFC East was a dumpster fire this season. Arizona is the most balanced team in the NFC, on both sides of the ball. If you’re a loyal “Cheesesteak and Chowder” listener, you already know I picked the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl. So it shouldn’t come as a shock that I’m riding Arizona at home. Cardinals 36, Packers 19.
Seattle (+2.5) over Carolina – Full disclosure – I’m not a professional gambler. But I’ve done this enough to have picked up a few things. The Seahawks were playing perhaps their best football of the season headed into the playoffs, but are only still alive because Blair Walsh went laces in like Ray Finkle and blew an absolute chip shot of a field goal. Now they’re coming across the country to play the 15-1 Panthers and the presumptive league MVP Cam Newton, who won in Seattle in Week 6. The Panthers are healthy and getting healthier by the week, expecting Jonathan Stewart to return from his three game absence. Sounds all good for Carolina, right? When lines are set, the home team typically gets an automatic three-point bump. So why are the Panthers only favored by 2.5? That’s a Seattle line. I hate to do this, but…Seahawks 23, Panthers 21.
Denver (-7.0) over Pittsburgh – Speaking of teams that were gift-wrapped victories, I give you the Pittsburgh Steelers. No definitive word on whether or not Vontaze Burfict and Adam “Pac Man” Jones had to wear matching I’m With Stupid t-shirts on their way out of the locker room last week. If I was running the Bengals, Jones would have been cut before he ever got out of the locker room. He’s a card-carrying moron. Burfict, on the other hand, has already been suspended for the first three games of the 2016 season. He popped Ben Roethlisberger (cleanly, I might add), injuring his shoulder and causing him to be carted off. I guess Paul Pierce’s wheelchair was already in use. Burfict also went shoulder-to-head of defenseless receiver Antonio Brown, though Pac Man said Brown was faking it and deserved a Grammy for his acting. Again, certifiable idiot. Ben returned, but looked like he was throwing a Frisbee instead of a football. Roethlisberger and Brown are both extremely questionable for this week, as is RB DeAngelo Williams. I can’t put my faith – or my money – on Landry Jones on the road against one of the top defenses in the league. Broncos 27, Steelers 18.