I hate fantasy football, let’s just get that out in the open.
When I started playing fantasy football in the early 2000’s, it was still kind of niche. In fact, you almost kept it hidden for fear of dork-shaming. But it has blossomed into such a major industry that everyone is playing now. All of the network shows devote hours each week to sleepers and busts. You’re in the minority now if you’re not playing. Remember when Chris Moneymaker won the World Series of Poker in 2004? Shortly thereafter, Texas Hold’em was overexposed and every jamoke with a deck of cards though he was Doyle Brunson. As an experienced player, there was nothing worse than being heads up with some novice who stayed in a hand with 9-4 off-suit and sucked out a straight on the river to beat your pocket Aces. People that had no business sitting at a card table were taking down the sharks. It got to a point where I didn’t enjoy playing anymore. See where this is headed? I may be announcing my retirement.
In a week of Hurricane Matthew, dental surgery, youth soccer, men’s league softball playoffs, and holding down a full-time job, I am delinquent in these picks. After another sub-par week, I’ve actually thought of quitting these too. But to beat you to death with another poker analogy, I still have a chip and a chair. So I’ll ante up and play another hand. Hoping I get dealt something better than 9-4 off.
Without further ado, the Week 6 picks (home team in CAPS):
Denver (-3) over SAN DIEGO – Full disclosure, this is the pick I would have made before the game. I just figured the Chargers would discover a new and exciting way to throw up all over themselves. Broncos 23, Chargers 19
NEW ENGLAND (-9) over Cincinnati – Speaking of shitting the bed, nice effort by the Bengals last week in Dallas. This one could be worse for Who Dey. Patriots 37, Bengals 17
NEW YORK GIANTS (-3) over Baltimore – Trying to jump start my fantasy season, I employed the time-tested “trade your best player” approach. I’m sure that means Odell Beckham will have 200 yards and 2 TD’s this week. God, I hate fantasy football. Giants 28, Ravens 24
NEW ORLEANS (+2.5) over Carolina – I know, I know. Cam Newton and Jonathan Stewart are back so the Panthers offense should be at full speed. But man, that defense… Saints 38, Panthers 35
Pittsburgh (-7.5) over MIAMI – This is a potential trap game for the Steelers, I just don’t think the Dolphins are good enough to set the bait. Steelers 31, Dolphins 16
Jacksonville (+1.5) over CHICAGO – Did I mention that I lost my fantasy match-up last week in part because my opponent picked up Brian Hoyer on waivers and started him? Hoyer’s 30+ points helped my opponent outshoot his projection by 45 FUCKING POINTS. God, I really hate fantasy football. Jaguars 23, Bears 21
San Francisco (+9) over BUFFALO – Only because I think Colin Kaepernick gives the 49ers a little jolt, and the Bills shouldn’t be favored by nine over anyone unless Jim Kelly is under center. Bills 24, 49ers 20
DETROIT (-3) over Los Angeles – If Pete Morelli and his crew of blind zebras are calling this game, I’d make the Lions a stone lock. Lions 22, Rams 17
TENNESSEE (-7) over Cleveland – As you’ll hear in an upcoming episode of “Cheesesteak and Chowder” (available on iTunes!), Jason and I were watching football last week while recording. Imagine our delight when Charlie Whitehurst – aka Clipboard Jesus – took the field for Cleveland. In true Browns form, he was injured and was released this week. Just another day in the life. Titans 27, Browns 12
Philadelphia (-3) over WASHINGTON – I would have assumed the Native Americans would have been favored at home. Vegas loves the Eagles, so do I. Eagles 30, Redskins 24
Kansas City (-1.5) over OAKLAND – This was a tough one for me, because I really like the Raiders this year. Two things pointed me to Kansas City. One, the Raiders got funding approved for their stadium and subsequent move to Las Vegas in two years…potential distraction there. Two, Andy Reid is money after a bye. I still remember, Big Red! Chiefs 26, Raiders 24
Atlanta (+6) over SEATTLE – I’m officially buying the Falcons. I wasn’t before last week, seeing as they started 5-0 last year only to finish 8-8. After they went to Denver and beat the previously undefeated Broncos, I’m on board. Of course, Devonta Freeman is the new centerpiece of my team (which is now named “#ihatefantasyfootball”). So that means a high ankle sprain is on the horizon. Seahawks 24, Falcons 20
GREEN BAY (-4) over Dallas – It pains me that the Cowboys are this good. Can’t Jerry Jones do something to meddle with them like the good old days? Packers 27, Cowboys 21
HOUSTON (-3) over Indianapolis – Neither team is very good, but both are still playoff contenders given that the AFC South is such a putrid division. Texans 27, Colts 23
ARIZONA (-6) over New York Jets – Cardinals…if not now, when? Cardinals 29, Jets 19
Bye: Minnesota, Tampa Bay
Week 5: 7-7 Straight up; 5-9 Against the spread
2016 Season: 44-33; 34-43
When I started playing fantasy football in the early 2000’s, it was still kind of niche. In fact, you almost kept it hidden for fear of dork-shaming. But it has blossomed into such a major industry that everyone is playing now. All of the network shows devote hours each week to sleepers and busts. You’re in the minority now if you’re not playing. Remember when Chris Moneymaker won the World Series of Poker in 2004? Shortly thereafter, Texas Hold’em was overexposed and every jamoke with a deck of cards though he was Doyle Brunson. As an experienced player, there was nothing worse than being heads up with some novice who stayed in a hand with 9-4 off-suit and sucked out a straight on the river to beat your pocket Aces. People that had no business sitting at a card table were taking down the sharks. It got to a point where I didn’t enjoy playing anymore. See where this is headed? I may be announcing my retirement.
In a week of Hurricane Matthew, dental surgery, youth soccer, men’s league softball playoffs, and holding down a full-time job, I am delinquent in these picks. After another sub-par week, I’ve actually thought of quitting these too. But to beat you to death with another poker analogy, I still have a chip and a chair. So I’ll ante up and play another hand. Hoping I get dealt something better than 9-4 off.
Without further ado, the Week 6 picks (home team in CAPS):
Denver (-3) over SAN DIEGO – Full disclosure, this is the pick I would have made before the game. I just figured the Chargers would discover a new and exciting way to throw up all over themselves. Broncos 23, Chargers 19
NEW ENGLAND (-9) over Cincinnati – Speaking of shitting the bed, nice effort by the Bengals last week in Dallas. This one could be worse for Who Dey. Patriots 37, Bengals 17
NEW YORK GIANTS (-3) over Baltimore – Trying to jump start my fantasy season, I employed the time-tested “trade your best player” approach. I’m sure that means Odell Beckham will have 200 yards and 2 TD’s this week. God, I hate fantasy football. Giants 28, Ravens 24
NEW ORLEANS (+2.5) over Carolina – I know, I know. Cam Newton and Jonathan Stewart are back so the Panthers offense should be at full speed. But man, that defense… Saints 38, Panthers 35
Pittsburgh (-7.5) over MIAMI – This is a potential trap game for the Steelers, I just don’t think the Dolphins are good enough to set the bait. Steelers 31, Dolphins 16
Jacksonville (+1.5) over CHICAGO – Did I mention that I lost my fantasy match-up last week in part because my opponent picked up Brian Hoyer on waivers and started him? Hoyer’s 30+ points helped my opponent outshoot his projection by 45 FUCKING POINTS. God, I really hate fantasy football. Jaguars 23, Bears 21
San Francisco (+9) over BUFFALO – Only because I think Colin Kaepernick gives the 49ers a little jolt, and the Bills shouldn’t be favored by nine over anyone unless Jim Kelly is under center. Bills 24, 49ers 20
DETROIT (-3) over Los Angeles – If Pete Morelli and his crew of blind zebras are calling this game, I’d make the Lions a stone lock. Lions 22, Rams 17
TENNESSEE (-7) over Cleveland – As you’ll hear in an upcoming episode of “Cheesesteak and Chowder” (available on iTunes!), Jason and I were watching football last week while recording. Imagine our delight when Charlie Whitehurst – aka Clipboard Jesus – took the field for Cleveland. In true Browns form, he was injured and was released this week. Just another day in the life. Titans 27, Browns 12
Philadelphia (-3) over WASHINGTON – I would have assumed the Native Americans would have been favored at home. Vegas loves the Eagles, so do I. Eagles 30, Redskins 24
Kansas City (-1.5) over OAKLAND – This was a tough one for me, because I really like the Raiders this year. Two things pointed me to Kansas City. One, the Raiders got funding approved for their stadium and subsequent move to Las Vegas in two years…potential distraction there. Two, Andy Reid is money after a bye. I still remember, Big Red! Chiefs 26, Raiders 24
Atlanta (+6) over SEATTLE – I’m officially buying the Falcons. I wasn’t before last week, seeing as they started 5-0 last year only to finish 8-8. After they went to Denver and beat the previously undefeated Broncos, I’m on board. Of course, Devonta Freeman is the new centerpiece of my team (which is now named “#ihatefantasyfootball”). So that means a high ankle sprain is on the horizon. Seahawks 24, Falcons 20
GREEN BAY (-4) over Dallas – It pains me that the Cowboys are this good. Can’t Jerry Jones do something to meddle with them like the good old days? Packers 27, Cowboys 21
HOUSTON (-3) over Indianapolis – Neither team is very good, but both are still playoff contenders given that the AFC South is such a putrid division. Texans 27, Colts 23
ARIZONA (-6) over New York Jets – Cardinals…if not now, when? Cardinals 29, Jets 19
Bye: Minnesota, Tampa Bay
Week 5: 7-7 Straight up; 5-9 Against the spread
2016 Season: 44-33; 34-43